This is the second part of the story of our precious Angel Baby Sean.
July 22, 2013
When I woke up from anesthesia I was still in a haze, but was glad that Andrew was with me in Recovery and that I still had the same nurse. They reassured me that the surgery went well and that I should have no lasting effects from the abruption, that I would be able to carry another child. I'm sure during this time I was speaking gibberish and asking various incoherent questions, but the nurses were kind and just smiled and tried to answer my questions. I also received a second IV while in recovery so that I could receive the blood I needed. Before I left L&D I asked about Now I Lay M Down To Sleep, a non-profit I had learned about while working in Labor and Delivery. The nurse assured me they would contact them on our behalf. I told Andrew to go home and try and get some sleep too, since our amazing friend from church was still at our house with our daughter someone needed to relieve her.
I was moved to the Postpartum unit around 2:30 am where I was able to finally see Sean for the first time. Needless to say he was perfect, aside from the blue discoloration in his head and chest he looked like he was sleeping. I was still very medicated and tired at this point so they took Sean and I slept for the remainder of the early morning hours. Since I was receiving two units of blood they took my vitals frequently and watched me closely for a reaction to the transfusion. Around 7:45am a hospital employee came in to tell me that the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep would be there around 8am to take pictures for us. If you have never heard of NILMDTS its a wonderful organization that partners with local professional photographers to take pictures for families who have suffered infant loss or have critically ill infants. Andrew and the rest of our family were hesitant to having pictures taken but trusted me with the decision to have them done. The photographer came just before Andrew got back to the hospital with Gemma, she took this time to take pictures of Sean by himself. Once she finished we took pictures with Sean as a family, we got so many awesome pictures that will help us never forget our precious little angel. This is definitely a blessing that we will appreciate forever, if you want to check them out I provided a link.
By this point in the morning my mom was driving in from Austin and would arrive shortly after we finished taking pictures and Andrews dad was already on a plane from Washington D.C. The rest of the morning was relatively uneventful as my mom took Gemma back home for her midday nap and Andrew spent some time with his dad. I was thankful though that our parents were able to see and hold Sean that morning before the funeral home came in the early afternoon and picked him up. My mom and Andrews dad switched off later in the afternoon so my mom could come spend some time with me alone at the hospital, which I enjoyed. I had several other visits that evening, one was from a nurse from the night before. I remembered it was the second older nurse who had taken care of me soon after my arrival at the hospital. She was very kind and I loved that she made a point to come and see how I was doing, she even shared some of what I didn't remember from while I was in recovery. It made us both laugh to recall some of the strange things I had said while waking from the anesthesia. My second set of visitors were a couple from our church. The wife was our friend who had stayed with our daughter the night before. They brought me a milkshake (that was greatly appreciated) after having taken dinner to Andrew and our parents who were at home for the night. I had insisted that Andrew again spend the night at home to try and get some rest. They didn't stay long, but I was grateful to see them, it was nice to see a smiling face who wasn't afraid to treat me normally.
Unfortunately when something like this happens people don't know how to talk to you or what to say. Andrew and I both say we got so tired of hearing people tell us how sorry they were and looking at us with what we now call "sad eyes". It's that sad puppy dog kind of look people give you when they don't know what else to say. But of course we take it graciously since there really isn't anything we could say to help them understand. Even now almost 3 weeks later we still have to explain to people what we need most is to go back to a normal routine. Of course with our world having been turned upside down we are currently figuring out what our new normal is going to be. We are focusing on Gemma and this time we have gotten to spend together as a family.
At 26 I will still say having to make "arrangements" for my child is still surreal, I am very grateful for the hospital and our pastors who made the process as painless as possible. Being able to hold our little angel was such a beautiful thing but so incredibly painful because we knew we couldn't keep him forever. At some point we would have to hand him back to the hospital employee, who would take him back to wherever they kept him, till the funeral home came to pick up his sweet little body. The idea still brings that tingling feeling to my eyes. He was a perfect little guy, relatively small at only 4 pounds 8 ounces, I still remember how powerful his kicks were and how I used to think he was going to be so much larger than our daughter. He did have some big feet for his size and its so precious to have a picture of those feet that kicked me all those weeks. Andrew and my entire family all agree that it was the right decision to have NILMDTS come and take pictures. Andrew can't imagine now not having these precious reminders of the short time we had with him. We both know that those few memories will fade in time and having something to remind us is invaluable. As well Gemma is far too young to comprehend what happened, and being able to show her the pictures of her holding and kissing her "baby" as she called him will mean so much. It's bittersweet as she no longer comes to my belly to give it hugs or kisses and she no longer asks about Sean. We were so excited when she learned how to say his name before her own, never dreaming it would become such a hard name for us to say amongst ourselves.
***I apologize to all as it was incredibly hard to try and retell this story from our lives. I can only reread it so many times trying to make sure it makes sense before having to step away and regain a bit of composure. I would also like to remind everyone that this is only one side of this story so it may not be complete. As well as this is just one story of so many families that have experienced this kind of loss, and my heart now bonds with theirs as no one else will truly understand the pain. If you or someone you know has experienced the loss of a baby please feel free to share in the comments below or pass along our story. And please for me if you read this, be grateful for the beautiful gifts God has given us and go love on your babies (no matter how old they might be). I know I have been showering our daughter with more love than she knows what to do with these past few weeks.***
