Positive Responses

The past few months have gone by far too swiftly and many things have changed in our household since I last posted in early October. Gemma is almost finished with her first ever semester of preschool and I have returned to work. And if that wasn't enough God threw us another curveball and Andrew was laid off again (if you've been keeping up that makes the third time this year). I can say wholeheartedly that not all our decisions in the past few weeks have been easy but we have learned in the past year that what we once considered difficult and overwhelming is much more manageable. I am grateful daily for the peace and understanding the Lord sends my way when I need it most and I am reminded through past experience that it always makes things better when you look at the positives.

For example, my return to work. I can't remember if I had ever mentioned what my life consisted of before I was simply known as Mom. I am a Surgical Technologist and worked for almost 3 years in Labor & Delivery before we relocated the first time and I was able to stay home. So when we finally reached the decision for me to return to the workplace I struggled with returning to L&D after what had happened with Sean. But after much discussion and more prayers than I can count, I took the plunge and applied for an open position and was lucky enough to be hired. I have since gone through orientation and just finished my in unit training, which in the beginning is where things got rough. I knew going into it that I would be faced with reliving our experience (I work at the hospital I delivered Sean at) and also processing my feelings of helping to bring other little lives into the world again. I can say for sure that my focus and how I perform my job has changed entirely since I was employed last. Partly from our journey with Sean but also having been a mother and myself going through the labor and delivery process. I feel I have grown and I thank God everyday for my two beautiful children who have given me the experience necessary for that growth. People who know about Sean and about my return to work often ask me how I will feel should I be faced with having to help deliver another mother with a loss like ours. And I respond by saying that of course it will be hard to relive our experience through another family, but who better than someone who can truly empathize to be there in their time of need. I just continue to pray that God provides me with the continued strength as we are still healing from our loss. But I am reminded that the lord has already opened doors and shown us how we can bless others with our story, and I look forward to any chance I am given to help.  To possibly provide someone with the same peace and sense of comfort we had. I know that everyday I go into work I will be faced with any number of situations, and that's the beauty of my job. I am grateful for the opportunity to witness the gift of life and love going to work everyday.

I also wanted to take a moment to say thank you to Becky at Purposeful Homemaking. She posted a comment on a previous post and I was truly humbled by it. I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to comment. I have so rarely posted thinking no one saw a single word that I spend so much time painstakingly putting together, but now I feel a renewed sense of energy to begin posting again. And I also wanted to mention your comment was very encouraging in the sense of I consider myself a "Baby" Christian still and it is sometimes hard to find the right words or to feel comfortable proclaiming your faith in such a public way. I can feel myself grow each day through the word, prayer and the many amazing people and its slowly becoming easier. But its always nice to hear a positive word of encouragement.

Is it really October already?

So after a very reaffirming morning at church, I felt a weight lifted that has had me blocked from continuing to share my life with you guys. I had barely begun this blog when we were blind sighted by losing Sean. And after sharing his story I couldn't bring myself to face my blog again. Hard to believe but it's been 11 weeks already since our little man went to Heaven. While it was hard to believe it would ever happen, life has indeed moved on and we aren't constantly consumed with grief. Recently my heart has been lightened and I decided that by continuing to share our journey I could be another voice for those who have suffered infant loss.

And it's very fitting since October is Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness month. So to all the other parents out there who are remembering their angels this month I encourage you to share your story. Our experience is still considered taboo by many and isn't discussed openly. Even while I was still in the hospital people wouldn't just say what happened, it was a subject that was tiptoed around. Since then I have decided to share our story (heck shout it from the rooftop if people would listen) and have been blessed by doing so. Many people who had been quiet about their losses have since shared with me because I was so open and honest about our story. Just goes to show you there are more of us out there than we know, so I just encourage you to share with others.

I will add that not all responses have been 100% positive. Some people have told us that we couldn't possibly be grieving or in pain because we continue on with our lives and share our story with a smile on our faces. We are still learning what our new version of normal is and continue to learn to live with this hole in our hearts. But a big part of my being able to move past our loss is the fact the Lord has placed a great amount of peace on our hearts and has moved us in new directions. I will share more on those new avenues as they continue to unfold. Many things are still in the beginning stages, but we are hopeful and extremely encouraged where our lives are heading. And we refuse to hide how God has worked in positive ways in our lives and continues to hold us in his hands in all that we do. It is not a bad thing to remember our Angels but continue to live our lives to the fullest and feel great joy in the days we are given.

I along with many others around the world will be lighting a candle for our Angel Baby on October 15th at 7:00pm. You can find events that might be in your area by clicking this link. There are so many support and awareness pages that I wouldn't be able to list them all. But just Google and you can find a  support group or just other people to talk to or hear their stories.

 

 

Hope everyone has a Blessed Sunday!

I would love to hear other peoples stories, if you would like to share you can do so below! 

Part 2: July 22, 2013 (warning - no holes barred)

This is the second part of the story of our precious Angel Baby Sean.

July 22, 2013

 When I woke up from anesthesia I was still in a haze, but was glad that Andrew was with me in Recovery and that I still had the same nurse. They reassured me that the surgery went well and that I should have no lasting effects from the abruption, that I would be able to carry another child. I'm sure during this time I was speaking gibberish and asking various incoherent questions, but the nurses were kind and just smiled and tried to answer my questions. I also received a second IV while in recovery so that I could receive the blood I needed. Before I left L&D I asked about Now I Lay M Down To Sleep, a non-profit I had learned about while working in Labor and Delivery. The nurse assured me they would contact them on our behalf. I told Andrew to go home and try and get some sleep too, since our amazing friend from church was still at our house with our daughter someone needed to relieve her.

 

I was moved to the Postpartum unit around 2:30 am where I was able to finally see Sean for the first time. Needless to say he was perfect, aside from the blue discoloration in his head and chest he looked like he was sleeping. I was still very medicated and tired at this point so they took Sean and I slept for the remainder of the early morning hours. Since I was receiving two units of blood they took my vitals frequently and watched me closely for a reaction to the transfusion. Around 7:45am a hospital employee came in to tell me that the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep would be there around 8am to take pictures for us. If you have never heard of NILMDTS its a wonderful organization that partners with local professional photographers to take pictures for families who have suffered infant loss or have critically ill infants. Andrew and the rest of our family were hesitant to having pictures taken but trusted me with the decision to have them done. The photographer came just before Andrew got back to the hospital with Gemma, she took this time to take pictures of Sean by himself. Once she finished we took pictures with Sean as a family, we got so many awesome pictures that will help us never forget our precious little angel. This is definitely a blessing that we will appreciate forever, if you want to check them out I provided a link.

 

 

 

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

 

By this point in the morning my mom was driving in from Austin and would arrive shortly after we finished taking pictures and Andrews dad was already on a plane from Washington D.C. The rest of the morning was relatively uneventful as my mom took Gemma back home for her midday nap and Andrew spent some time with his dad. I was thankful though that our parents were able to see and hold Sean that morning before the funeral home came in the early afternoon and picked him up. My mom and Andrews dad switched off later in the afternoon so my mom could come spend some time with me alone at the hospital, which I enjoyed. I had several other visits that evening, one was from a nurse from the night before. I remembered it was the second older nurse who had taken care of me soon after my arrival at the hospital. She was very kind and I loved that she made a point to come and see how I was doing, she even shared some of what I didn't remember from while I was in recovery. It made us both laugh to recall some of the strange things I had said while waking from the anesthesia. My second set of visitors were a couple from our church. The wife was our friend who had stayed with our daughter the night before. They brought me a milkshake (that was greatly appreciated) after having taken dinner to Andrew and our parents who were at home for the night. I had insisted that Andrew again spend the night at home to try and get some rest. They didn't stay long, but I was grateful to see them, it was nice to see a smiling face who wasn't afraid to treat me normally.

Unfortunately when something like this happens people don't know how to talk to you or what to say. Andrew and I both say we got so tired of hearing people tell us how sorry they were and looking at us with what we now call "sad eyes".  It's that sad puppy dog kind of look people give you when they don't know what else to say. But of course we take it graciously since there really isn't anything we could say to help them understand. Even now almost 3 weeks later we still have to explain to people what we need most is to go back to a normal routine. Of course with our world having been turned upside down we are currently figuring out what our new normal is going to be. We are focusing on Gemma and this time we have gotten to spend together as a family.

At 26 I will still say having to make "arrangements" for my child is still surreal, I am very grateful for the hospital and our pastors who made the process as painless as possible. Being able to hold our little angel was such a beautiful thing but so incredibly painful because we knew we couldn't keep him forever. At some point we would have to hand him back to the hospital employee, who would take him back to wherever they kept him, till the funeral home came to pick up his sweet little body. The idea still brings that tingling feeling to my eyes. He was a perfect little guy, relatively small at only 4 pounds 8 ounces, I still remember how powerful his kicks were and how I used to think he was going to be so much larger than our daughter. He did have some big feet for his size and its so precious to have a picture of those feet that kicked me all those weeks. Andrew and my entire family all agree that it was the right decision to have NILMDTS come and take pictures. Andrew can't imagine now not having these precious reminders of the short time we had with him. We both know that those few memories will fade in time and having something to remind us is invaluable. As well Gemma is far too young to comprehend what happened, and being able to show her the pictures of her holding and kissing her "baby" as she called him will mean so much. It's bittersweet as she no longer comes to my belly to give it hugs or kisses and she no longer asks about Sean. We were so excited when she learned how to say his name before her own, never dreaming it would become such a hard name for us to say amongst ourselves.

 

***I apologize to all as it was incredibly hard to try and retell this story from our lives. I can only reread it so many times trying to make sure it makes sense before having to step away and regain a bit of composure. I would also like to remind everyone that this is only one side of this story so it may not be complete. As well as this is just one story of so many families that have experienced this kind of loss, and my heart now bonds with theirs as no one else will truly understand the pain. If you or someone you know has experienced the loss of a baby please feel free to share in the comments below or pass along our story. And please for me if you read this, be grateful for the beautiful gifts God has given us and go love on your babies (no matter how old they might be). I know I have been showering our daughter with more love than she knows what to do with these past few weeks.***

Lots of Love to all and God Bless!

Part 1: July 21, 2013 (warning - no holes barred)

Well to begin I have to put into words something I never thought would happen. At 35 weeks and 1 day our son Sean Patrick was born into Heaven.

This is Part 1 of the story.

July 21, 2013:

After putting our daughter to bed and writing a post detailing what happened the night before I decided to take a shower before going to bed. Before getting into the shower I used the restroom and experienced some bleeding I attributed to pregnancy hemorrhoids (which I hadn't had till this point) and didn't think much of. I then got into the shower where the bleeding continued and I eventually passed a large blood clot which really got my attention. I finished quickly and got out of the shower I then told Andrew we needed to go to the hospital. The rest of our time at home is a bit of a blur (like many other times in the next few days) but Andrew tried to call the doctor while also calling our pastor to get a phone number for a friend of ours who had said she would be able to come stay with our daughter. We waited about 5-10 minutes for her to arrive and then left for the hospital. I had a small sinking feeling something wasn't quite right when the pain I was feeling wasn't like contractions. I had pain in my lower stomach but it wasn't coming and going, and my stomach wasn't hard like when you have a contraction. But I had never gone into labor on my own so I was trying to think positively. We drove the 10 minutes to the hospital which after 10pm was a smooth drive with little to no traffic.

We parked and walked in where thankfully they had a wheelchair, but they didn't have a towel or pad for the wheelchair so it got a little bloody, at this point I had been steadily bleeding for about 20-30 minutes. They let us go directly into Labor & Delivery but Andrew would have to go back and fill out paperwork. The nurse I had been assigned the night before was the first person we saw which was a good thing, because at this point I was beginning to feel light headed and dizzy. She wheeled me directly into a room and I wasted no time in stripping myself of all my clothes but my sports bra and donning a hospital gown. I then laid down on the bed where the nurse began by trying to put the fetal heart monitor on me. She tried her hardest to find him for a few minutes when she called another nurse into the room. The new nurse began to try and find his heartbeat, and after a few minutes she had no success either. During this whole process I just remember pleading with God for Sean to be ok. When they couldn't find his heartbeat externally they attempted to place a scalp lead vaginally, when that didn't work they did an exam and could only feel placenta by this point.

This is when the Doctor arrived, I was glad it was the same Doctor that had been on call the night before again another familiar face in the sea of people that were now in my room. The doctor explained they couldn't find his heartbeat but would use an ultrasound to confirm. During the ultrasound I just watched while she moved from his head down to his chest where there was only stillness. I knew before she said it that he had indeed passed. After a few more minutes she explained to me that the placenta had separated from the uterus which caused a lack of blood flow. Sean passed from a lack of oxygen. I knew that I would have to deliver this little angel one way or another and I was hoping for the least traumatic route possible. The doctor then explained that since I was bleeding so heavily I would require a C-section, so that she would be able to make sure my uterus wasn't damaged in any way and could make sure to fix the bleeding thoroughly.

Again most of this time was a blur due tears and pain medication I thankfully received soon after arrival, Andrew had to leave the room after we had arrived to go fill out my admission paperwork, but he arrived in time for the doctor to come in and confirm my worst fears. Of course we cried together and prayed together, as soon as I knew he had passed I kept repeating Philippians 4:13 to myself. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And we also had to make the hardest phone calls of our lives since we had called our parents while still at home to tell them we were going to the hospital thinking we were going to have our baby that night. I called my mom and only remember us both crying after I could barely get the words out to tell her what had happened. At this point I was being prepped for surgery and remember the anesthesiologist coming in and asking me the typical pre-op questions. It was decided that I would receive general anesthesia since I needed to be cared for promptly, plus I didn't want to be awake for this delivery. Having worked in L&D I knew the atmosphere in the room and didn't want to experience it when it was my own child who had passed. Probably around 11:30 pm I was moved to the OR, I remember seeing Andrew filling out consents for the surgery and for a blood transfusion I would definitely need after the amount of blood I lost and would continue to lose during surgery. The last thing I remember was moving from the bed to the OR table and just laying down with my arms on the arm boards and reminding the anesthesiologist to do whatever they needed to do.

My Angel Baby

Sean Patrick

July 22, 2013

12:06am

35 Weeks.... Countdown is On!

Ok so I have needless to say a bit absent the past week. I have been in a crazy nesting flurry trying to get the homestead ready for little man to arrive. Which might be sooner rather than later.

So for the past few days my blood pressure has been elevated, which I wasn't entirely surprised at since I went through this with my last pregnancy. Last night when I kept getting the same elevated numbers I decided to call the doctor on call and see at which point I might need to be concerned. She said that the numbers sounded high but wanted to get an idea of the bigger picture. I opted to go ahead and go to Labor & Delivery and get checked out, just to be on the safe side.

When I got there my blood pressure was elevated but they weren't getting numbers as high as I was getting at home. So the doctor decided to do some blood work and a urine test just to get an idea of where I was at. All my blood work came back normal, but I did have trace amounts of protein in my urine, which at this point isn't alarming. To get a better idea of my urine protein levels, she sent me home to do a 24 hour urine collection (ugh I know but its not nearly as bad as you would think). Which I will take back to the Hospital Lab tomorrow morning, and will hear results later in the day. Everyone cross your fingers I can get another week or two with this kiddo in the belly.

Because..... Andrew's broken finger, which was supposed to heal easily on it's own, will require surgery. After his initial injury we were told it would take a few weeks in a splint to heal, and to follow up with the specialist. Well Andrew went to the hand surgeon and after new x-rays and a thorough exam, we were told the nail bed was damaged and to prevent nail deformation it would require surgery. Plus the fractured bone needs to be stabilized to heal properly, so a pin will be inserted. So this coming Friday Andrew will be having surgery to fix his ring finger, and I will be crossing my fingers I don't go into labor in the waiting room. Now just hoping that the workers comp claim processes quickly so that he can get the surgery this week. Anything later and we might both be in the hospital....

Needless to say it looks like Andrew will be down a hand when little man makes his debut. Which of course will only make things more interesting, but I know it will all be great! Hope everyone has had an awesome weekend and heres looking forward to the awesome July week ahead!

Hanging with Papa & New Words

Ok Blog Friends... it's been a relatively slow week and I've been trying to get caught up with housework and preparations for Little Man to get here possibly in just a few short weeks. The husband and I did get an awesome surprise on Monday when my Father-in-Law let us know his business trip in Ft. Worth was held over another night and he would have a few hours to spare. With most of Andrews family living out of state even a short bite to eat with any of them is an amazing treat!

Check out Dani Rae's Denton here.

 

He was asking about a seafood place in our neck of the woods and we hadn't found one yet, so my husband set to work locating something to fit the bill. He found Dani Rae's Gulf Coast Kitchen. I had seen the sign for Dani Rae's a number of times while driving around town running errands and had always tried to make a mental note for us to check it out at some point. Since we moved to North Texas from Houston, both of us were missing some good seafood and Cajun food that we had gotten used to having easy access to being near the gulf. My father-in-law agreed it sounded worth while to check out, so we made our arrangements to meet on Tuesday evening.

Our entire party ended up being in 3 different vehicles and we all arrived at varied times, the wait staff was amazingly accommodating even setting up our table and getting us a high chair while I was still waiting for my husband and father in law to arrive. Once everyone finally got to the restaurant we were seated immediately and our server wasted no time in getting us drinks and our appetizer. Now I'm not a fan of pickles, but my husband and father in law and heck even Gemma loved the fried pickles, the plate was devoured in no time.

The menu had a wide selection of seafood and Cajun inspired entrees, all of which sounded yummy. I selected the country fried steak, what can I say the little man in the belly loves him some beef, which had the nice twist of Andouille gravy. The mix of the steak and sausage paired with my chosen side of garlic mashed potatoes was delicious, and even with the big ol' belly I devoured every bite. Which needless to say these days is not an easy task, and requires the food to be really enticing! My husband ordered the Red Beans and Rice which had sausage in it, but also came with a beautiful piece of grilled sausage and some cornbread. My father in law ordered a seafood platter with a combo of fried shrimp and oysters. He keep saying how well the oysters were cooked, which I am not a fan of oysters (you will probably learn I am a slightly picky eater), but he said it can be hard to find oysters cooked properly. I tend to rely on my husband and his family's opinion since he grew up on the northern coast of Florida, and being from central Texas I'm definitely not as well versed.

All in all I would whole heartedly recommend checking out Dani Rae's Gulf Coast Kitchen. We thoroughly enjoyed the staff, décor and of course the food, and will be going back in the near future.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *

So after Dinner, we decided to try and walk off some of our awesome meal, and ventured across the street to Barnes & Noble. Gemma of course went crazy in the kiddos section with Andrew and his dad in tow, she took her sweet time picking out a new book which Papa got for her. She loves picture books right now that have vivid pictures with simple words, which are awesome since she is picking up on new words by the second. She has literally spent hours already sitting in my lap turning the pages and asking me "What's that?" over and over. Better yet she repeats the words when I tell her, so we have officially added at least 3 new animal names in two days.

Check it out at Barnes & Noble by clicking here.

(Wanted to post an adorable picture of Gemma reading her new book but per usual the battery on my 4 year old camera died yet again. Cross your fingers I can convince the hubs to let me get a new one for when little man arrives!)

 

She already had the large version of this book, which she loves but it is still kind of large for her to handle on her own, so this smaller version is just perfect for her hands. I have a feeling I might need to go and pick up a few more of these small versions for her. Which is fine since these are quickly becoming a favorite of hers I will likely keep one in my bag for longer outings. She actually sat quietly in her stroller while flipping through it while I finished browsing at Barnes & Noble, of course I'll be honest it only worked for so long. But when you're two and its an hour past your normal bedtime nothing will keep you from getting a little restless at a certain point.

 

All in all a very good day, hope everybody is having a good week, till next time! 

Love me some Bloglovin!!!!

With all the amazing new blogs I have discovered in the past few days I decided I needed a way to wrangle all of my favorites into one easy to access place. Enter bloglovin.com...

Makes it super easy to see what's new and see what you have checked out already and what you haven't seen. I'm even finding new blogs by the minute that are similar to what I already enjoy.

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If you want to keep track like I do you can follow me by clicking the link above.

 

**Please note I was not approached by bloglovin.com to write this post or am I affiliated with the site. I just enjoy the interface and all comments are purely my own opinions.**